GSC: Defeat the Compactor
by Count Mallet
Summary: Speculative one-shot (Star Wars Rebels x Beat the Crusher). Seeing the Ghost randomly selected for a game show's twisted end game shocks Hera. Can she save her ship from being destroyed by a giant compactor? Nothing objectionable apart from references to objects being destroyed by the aforementioned compactor. Originally posted to Fanfiction·net. [S48-F40-O20-X8]


_"I always thought that common sense would prevail. But on a game show, there is no common sense."_

—Wayne Brady (taken from brainyquote·com)

* * *

 **Preface**

This was not one of my initial ideas for a game show crossover. However, I recently watched a clip of the old British game show, _Beat the Crusher_. Given its most unusual endgame, I couldn't pass up the chance to write something to parody it, especially since the show only lasted ten episodes in 1998. I'm surprised it lasted that long, but I digress.

I wrote this to take place sometime during Rebels' second season in between the episodes _Homecoming_ (Episode 14) and the season finale, _Twilight of the Apprentice_ (Episodes 19 and 20). Given the seriousness of the finale and its ending, I'd like to believe readers might enjoy reading something funny and perhaps a bit over the top.

As with my other stories involving game show or competition parodies, I will be determining the outcome at random. That way, I can be as surprised with the outcome as the readers.

I posted this story on my birthday as a gift to readers. Enjoy.

* * *

 **Acknowledgments**

Very special thanks to the Walt Disney Company for Star Wars characters and concepts.

Also, very special thanks to Tiger Aspect Productions, the original producers of Beat the Crusher.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

* * *

Hera sighed. Meeting a secret rebel contact at a shopping mall was unusual enough. Zeb's insistence that they stay to watch a traveling game show surprised her, but he reasoned that they deserved the entertainment after dealing the Empire and Inquisitors with little time to relax.

Unfortunately, Hera found the show more of a nuisance than entertaining. The host, a human named Teddy Farr, wore spiked bleached hair and a flamboyant outfit. Hera felt his personality matched his appearance: loud and annoying. His assistant, a Rutian Twi'lek named Heather Holoarray, made Hera cringe; the former's form-fitting silver dress and matching stiletto heeled sandals did little to dispel the stereotype that female Twi'leks looked enticing.

Worst yet were the contests so far. Teddy took an audience member's datapad and crushed it with his bare hands. He also had a crate of fruits and vegetables dumped into a giant compactor and crushed for sport. Hera sighed again with the most recent competition. Nine younglings and their parents competed in the silliest of events for a paltry prize. Teddy's frenzy when he repeatedly urged the crowd to chant "Compact!" also annoyed Hera.

"Why did you make me watch this?" she asked Zeb.

"C'mon. This is almost as fun as smashing bucket heads. Besides, game shows are fun. I competed on one many years ago with your father."

"Really? And you guys didn't mention it when we were all together?!"

"Well, given how cranky game shows make you, can you blame us?"

"Was it as awful as this one?"

"No, it was very fun. I wish I could remember the name of it, though."

Hera nodded indifferently as she replied, "We should get going. We have much to do before that super secret mission you know where."

"Not yet, we have to stay for the last event. I've been looking forward to it. We can't leave now."

 _Next time, I'm locking him in a cargo bay with Chopper_ , Hera thought.

Finally, Teddy spoke again.

"Welcome back to Defeat the Compactor. Now that we have the preliminary stuff out of the way, it's time for the main event."

"That's right," an announcer's voice boomed through the sound system. "Two lucky pilots will wager their ships for the chance to receive a new shuttle. The loser has their ship dropped into the compactor and receives money for a transport home."

"We have the latest model, the FLO-KNIE 330. This deluxe compactor is large enough to destroy even a light freighter," Heather said.

The audience gasped loudly with awe.

"During our show, we've scanned the docking bays and fed images of all the ships into our computer. We will now randomly select two ships and the pilots will come up to the stage for our competition."

"And the loser's ship goes into the compactor," Teddy reminded everyone.

"Compact! Compact! Compact!" everyone chanted as they made chopping motions with their arms and fists.

Hera shook her head as she watched everyone else chanting.

"People think this is fun?" she asked.

"Shh, not now. This is going to be exciting," Zeb replied.

On the large holovision array at the front of the stage, images of the docked ships flashed rapidly for several seconds before two images appeared on the screen and remained there.

"OK," Heather said. "It looks as if our first ship is named 'Thimiar Cresh One.' Where's the pilot?"

A male Togruta stood up and gestured.

"Come on up, you're our first contestant."

The pilot joined Teddy and Heather on stage.

"Hello, what's your name?" Teddy asked.

"Teketu," the pilot replied.

"And where you from?"

"I was born on Shili, but now I'm a freelance shipper of supplies in this sector."

"Very good. Are you ready to try to defeat the crusher?"

"I think so."

"OK, Heather, let's meet our next pilot," Teddy said.

"According to the readout, this ship is known as the Ghost," Heather announced.

"Hey, that's us!" Zeb exclaimed.

"Oh no, why me?" Hera groaned.

"Who pilots this great ship?" Heather asked.

 _At least she knows a good ship when she sees it,_ Hera thought before she stood up and slowly walked to the stage area.

"What's your name?" Heather asked.

"Hera."

"Very nice. Are you from Ryloth, too?"

"Born there, but I really don't have a home now. I go wherever I'm needed and do what's necessary."

"Whatever puts credits in your pocket."

"Exactly," Hera replied, still unenthusiastic about having to compete.

Teddy told the pilots, "Alright. Teketu, Hera, here's what's going to happen. Heather is going to ask a question to see who goes first. Then, she and I will alternate asking questions. If you get a question correct, your opponent's ship moves up a level. If you don't give a correct answer, your **own** ship moves up a level. As you see, there's only four levels, so the first ship that gets raised four levels receives a smashing good time with our compactor."

"Compact! Compact! Compact!" the audience chanted once more.

"And the winner gets this fabulous transport shuttle with room for two, a cargo bay for basic supplies, and a built-in refresher," Heather stated.

The audience gasped in awe and applauded.

 _We could use one of those,_ Zeb thought, _Just in case anything happens to the Phantom._

"OK, I have the question that determines who goes first. This will not affect your ships in any way. Here's the question: In whole numbers, give an estimate of how many trillion kilometers there are in a parsec. Teketu, you get to guess first because your ship was selected first," Heather told Teketu and Hera.

"I'll say 30," Teketu replied.

"Hera, what about you?"

"I'll say 34," Hera answered.

"A parsec is approximately 31 trillion kilometers. Teketu was the closest, so he will answer the first question."

The crowd cheered once again as Hera sighed. If both Teketu and she answered every single question correctly, the Ghost would be crushed.

 _Please let him get a question wrong._

Teddy said, "OK, Teketu, here is the first question: Which species worships Mother Jungle? Is it Ithorians or Wookies?"

Teketu thought for a minute before he answered, "I think it's Ithorians."

"And you think correct. That means Hera's ship goes up to level two. Hera, here's your question: Which planet is the home of the infamous Jabba the Hutt? Is it Ryloth or Tatooine?"

"Definitely Tatooine," Hera replied.

"And Tatooine is correct. Teketu's ship moves up to level two."

Heather took over the questioning and asked Teketu the next question.

"Which animal is commonly herded and known for its delicious steaks? Is it a shaak or a nerf?" she asked.

"That's a nerf," Teketu replied.

"That's correct again. Hera's ship moved up to level three. Hera, here's your question: Who was the last chancellor before the fall of the Galactic Senate?"

"Palpatine," Hera said.

"And you've both been perfect so far. Teketu's ship is now up to level three."

"OK, my turn again!" Teddy called out. "On Ryloth, who was known for his activities as a freedom fighter? Cham Syndulla or Hondo Ohnaka"

"I have no idea," Teketu said. "I'll say Hondo Ohnaka."

"I'm sorry but it was Cham Syndulla."

 _I wish I got that question._ _ **I**_ _would have gotten it right,_ Hera thought.

"OK, that means Teketu's ship is now on level four—the danger zone. Hera, if you can get this question right, you win. If you don't get it right, we're tied going into the last question. Here you go: What weighs more, a kilogram of feathers, or a kilogram of lead?"

 _Couldn't we get some harder questions?_ Hera thought before she finally said, "They're actually the same amount, so they're equal."

"It looks like we have a smart Twi'lek folks, she got our trick question correct! That means Hera wins the transport shuttle and Teketu's ship is going into the compactor!" Freddy yelled.

As if on cue, the audience again repeated chants of "Compact!" as Teketu's ship slowly dropped into the compactor. Teketu turned away as the compactor fired up and slowly reduced his ship to a large cube of scrap metal.

Teddy bear-hugged Hera unexpectedly and then asked, "Hera, you win the new shuttle. How does it feel to be the winner?"

"Actually, I thought this was a waste of time, so I'm glad I get prize out of it," she replied.

Teddy looked shocked at Hera's response.

Heather turned to Teketu and said, "Don't worry, once we take care of business backstage, we'll make good on giving you fare for a transport home."

After more cheers from the audience, Teddy beckoned for silence and said, "We hope you join us again when go to another mall for our next exciting episode of Defeat the Compactor—we just won't be going to visit any Dathomirian malls any time soon."

"See you soon," Heather added as she blew kisses to the audience.

* * *

Backstage, Teddy enthusiastically shook Hera's hand before giving her what she needed to take her new shuttle. A short distance away, Heather did her best to scrounge up enough credits to transport Teketu to his next destination. Also, he got a decal that read, "I visited a real star—Teddy Farr."

As both Teketu and Hera left the mall, Hera noticed how dejected her opponent looked.

 _Then again, if I somehow lost the Ghost, I wouldn't be too thrilled either. I'd want to compact Zeb about now,_ she thought. Suddenly, she had an idea.

"Here, take this. We already have a small shuttle, and I really don't have room for two. You need it more than I do, obviously," she told Teketu as she handed him the information about the new shuttle.

"Really? Thanks! I wish I had something to give you, but I just made a cargo run so I have nothing of value," Teketu replied.

"It's OK. I don't mind helping someone in need. Perhaps if our paths cross again, you can return the favor then."

"That's a deal! I'm glad, too. My old shuttle was starting to fall apart. It will be nice to have one that doesn't need so many repairs. This just made my day."

Teketu than ran off.

"So, where's our new shuttle? Do I get to fly it back?" Zeb asked, walking up to Hera.

"Actually, I gave it to Teketu. I couldn't leave him stranded here," Hera replied.

"That's no fun. You won the game and you have nothing to show for it?"

"Remember when we stole that fruit to give it to the people in need on Lothal? It's no different from that."

"I guess you're right. I can see why you'd help out a fellow pilot. Next time, though we're keeping the prize whatever it is."

"Next time, we're avoiding these traveling game shows like a bunch of inquisitors!"

"So much for your sense of adventure. You're almost as cranky as Chopper," Zeb replied.

"Zeb, don't press your luck," Hera replied as she boarded the Ghost with him. "We've got to get back and see what we've missed while we've been away."

 _All work and no fun makes Hera one testy Twi'lek. It's just a shame Kanan and the others couldn't see this; they'd never believe what happened_ , Zeb thought as they left the mall to return to their base.

END


End file.
